Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
