Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
