Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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