When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
