I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
