True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
