don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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