apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
