I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
