you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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