This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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