Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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