He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
