hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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