Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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