im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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