just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
