o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
even my farts smell like vagina
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
