How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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