There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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