You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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