Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
