im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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