my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
