things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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