I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
