I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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