Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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