we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This toilet bowl is my home.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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