So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
