Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
