I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
