Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize