apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
