I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
