when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
