I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
