I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
