the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
