I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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