my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
