Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
