now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize