apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Randomize
