We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
