god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
