Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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