So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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