i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
