at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
