just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize