My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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