i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
