just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
