I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
