There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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