There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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