I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
