the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
