Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
