My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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